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Wednesday, December 31, 2014


So, we decided to go cheap for our honeymoon. Our landlord from Australia who owns a house under the main gondola in Vail and own our house just to park his snowmobile trailer at also owns a house in Boca Raton, FL. Ross called him up to ask if we could stay there. He said it would be fine and he wouldn't be there. About 2 weeks before our wedding, he calls us up and says he will be there but not to worry b/c we would have our own wing of the house. We said, 'what the hay' and decided to just go with it.

Our wedding was absolutely a blast and so wonderful. We drove on down to Denver the day of our wedding b/c our flight was early the next morning. (side note: we ate at Texas Roadhouse the night of our wedding...at the time we didn't think it was ghetto at all, we were excited but upon reflection it was really a redneck thing to do.)

Anyways, we flew into Florida early the next morning and our landlord picked us up from the airport in his Excursion (we told him we wanted to take a cab, but he wouldn't have it). On our way to his house Ross asked if we would be in the way (trying to figure out if we really would have our own space). Mr K's response was, "Oh, we'll hardly even notice you." We both looked at each other and took a sigh of relief. Before we know it, he then said, "now listen, when we cook, you cook; when we clean, you clean." Great.

Well, we got to the mansion with the white gates that opened and circular driveway with fountains. As we entered the house, there were 2 huge statues that I recognized as Terracotta Warriors from China. Ross had no idea what they were, but I was like, 'Ross, people don't just have those, they are museum pieces.' Mr. K said, "I picked those up in China." Anyways, we walked into our room which was on our own wing of the house. Here we found brown wall paper with giant silver flamingos, a full wall of mirrors and the thickest shag carpet I have ever scene. Don't get me wrong, it was nice--in the 70's.

After that, we then sat around the kitchen table for about 2 hours and talked w/our landlord & the other 40 year old couple who was there (I know). We then went outside to take the tour of the 110 foot yacht which was purchased from Jimmy Dean--"Bought this boat from Jimmy Dean, Jimmy Dean Sausages, ever heard of him?" (We are middle class Americans, no we have never heard of Jimmy Dean.) While on the yacht, we were told of how everyone on board knows how to shoot a gun and if anyone uninvited comes onto the boat, they will leave DEAD! Ross and I kinda looked at each other with a "we are invited, right?" look. Right next the the 110 foot yacht was the extremely nice sport fisher...upon closer look, the thing hadbarnacles like you wouldn't believe and a bird poop inside. We then headed back inside for more food and more kitchen table sitting.

Finally, Mr. K says, "Let's go for a drive, shall we?" Yes, we were going to learn where we could go shopping, go to the beach, out to dinner, etc. We all get in the car-Mr. K, the 40 year old couple and the newlyweds. We are driving forever and ever in what seems to be the wrong direction from the coast. We finally come to a subdivision where Mr. K says he is building multi-million dollar homes and this was our destination. He was taking us on a freakin home tour on day one of our marriage!!! Sure enough, we met up with his son (one of the realtors) and went through all of the model homes. Mr. K kept saying, "now Vanessa, wouldn't you love to entertain in this kitchen?" I think he was trying to persuade us to move there and be his slave labor. The 40 year old couple was really into it but I was so mad I couldn't even look at anything--I walked through so fast and then waited outside.

When the rest of the group finally caught up with us, they had made friends with 2 women also touring the homes. Mr. K was obviously trying to sell them on a home and they replied, "We heard the market is going to slow down a lot." Mr. K then says, "That's nonsense. Where did you hear that?" They said something about how they have been reading about it and Mr. K then says, "Oh those stupid reporters, they don't know anything. If they knew anything they would have money. Only smart people have money." Ironically, immediately after that we had to take his son to pick up his car at the building site. We pulled up to the place where his car was parked and the gate was locked. The son acted like it wasn't a big deal, he could just hop the fence. As the son got out of the car, Mr. K says, "How do you suppose you are going to get your car out if you don't have a key?" "OOOHHH, Right." says the son with a wonderful inheritance of money.

On our way home Mr. K asks us if we all want to go out for dinner. Ross and I quickly replied, "NO." So, we go back to the house and Ross and I run for our honeymoon suite. Not 5 minutes after we were in our room, I heard a noise and thought to myself, "Hmmm, I didn't know there was a washing machine in our room." Sure enough, there wasn't....I rounded the corner only to find the wet bar in our room spewing 10 gallons of water per second into the 3 inch shag carpet. The carpet wasliterally gulping up water and the whole room was wet before we knew it. We went to get Mr. K and he turned off the water and brought in a bucket & 2 towels. He said, "Well, clean it up as best you can, we'll get a plumber here first thing. Not a problem at all." Ross and I felt some obligation to try to clean it up so we got the trash cans and were scraping them along the carpet to get some water up. After about 10 minutes of this, I broke down and called my mom!!! (I guess this would have been a good married moment to confide in my husband, but I needed my mom!) My dad answered the phone and I'm balling--I'm sure they thought I was upset I got married or something. My mom ended up making us a hotel reservation for the next night.

The next morning our plan was to split. The only problem was we woke up to find everyone dressed in their swimsuits ready to go to the beach with us. It took Ross about 2 hours to finally say something and when he did, he said it to Barbara, Mr. K's wife. We asked to call a cab so we could go to the airport and rent a car. I think Barbara totally understood b/c she said, "nonsense, John bring the car around." The South Florida Old Person Favorite, the Grand Marquis was brought around for us to escape. I literally walked into our room and rolled out our suitcases within 10 seconds...I couldn't delay our escape plan. Within minutes we were in the G Marquis and rejoicing for our freedom.

You would think things were bound to get better at this point...they definitely did but here are the rest of the bad events:

1. The first hotel we stayed in had lizards...on our bed.

2. We stayed in Miami for 2 nights and called Key Biscayne to rent Jet Skis. When we went there, they told us they didn't do that anymore even though we had just called to confirm

3. Everyone told us it took about 7 hours to get to Key West so we didn't go there....we just went to Key Largo...Ok, Key Largo should totally not be in the Beach Boys song...it's like one big boat junk yard.

4. We decided to head to Naples...we pulled and and absolutely loved it. We pulled up to the beach and Ross asked a surfer how the water was...the said, "Dude, I wouldn't even get in if I were you." Ross said, "seriously?" Surfer: "Yeah man, it's the worst red tide in 30 years." Red tide is an out burst of algae growth and it kills everything in the water. Sure enough, each day something new washed up on shore dead...sea snakes, crabs, fish...gross....so we pretty much didn't go in the water.

5. We stayed at the Ritz Carlton Golf Resort (I worked for the Ritz at the time so that came in handy for discounts) and one day we went over to the beach resort to swim in the pool. Ross and I were being stupid and playing with the floaty dolphin in the pool and a Ritz employee came over and yelled at us to see our room key b/c they thought we were sneaking in. How rude...as a Ritz employee, this is not acceptable.

6. We decided to rent a pontoon boat one day--yes, I know, big time. We had a fun time until we were headed back and got caught in the worst hail storm you could imagine. The pontoon didn't really have a cover so we were in our swimsuits getting pelted with ice. It was awful.

Well...that's the story folks. My honeymoon advice to all you engaged or unmarried is go big, not cheap....you can pay off credit cards! :)

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